im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
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