I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
