I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
