Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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