I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
