3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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