I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
