I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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