Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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