i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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