It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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