How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
There's always time for handjobs
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
