If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
