nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Randomize
