Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
