it hurts more in the daytime
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
