Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
25 People Share How They Got Out Of Their Longest Dry Spell
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love