its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.