chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
