I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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