I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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