I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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