i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
