i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!