Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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