Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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