Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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