it wasn't lemon gatorade
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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