Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
