My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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