So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
