a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
