I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
