I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
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Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
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the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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