Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
