my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
