i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
