come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
