onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
