I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
