Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
