Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
