Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
