I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
