Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
