The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
