Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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