Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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