life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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