JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize