Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
