My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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