So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
